Showdown

"Oh LORD, you have searched me and know me!" -- Psalm 139:1

In the last couple of days I have been really trying to analyze a a conversation going on inside my head: the one that goes on between myself and...myself. It is a conversation that nobody else hears; it is completely private. The essence of that conversation is thus:

There are two people that truly know me.

Me.

and God.

Everybody else in the world that knows that I exist knows only the man on the outside. People are only aware of the man I give to them. Honestly, I could go through my whole life and give people a phony me. How would they ever know? In fact, I will ask a question to those who actually know me: how do you know that the person I present to you is actually who I am? Better yet, how do you know that the person I present to you is who I even desire to be?

I have struggled a lot lately with being authentic regarding the person I am on the inside and the person I display on the outside. Now before you start to question if I secretly killed a man or am harboring something secret and vile, just know that I'm not even talking about nor living a double lifestyle here. I'm talking about the fact that not one person on this planet knows the thoughts that go through my head and not one person knows the struggles I really deal with.

Only me,

and God.

I think one of the things I'm learning as a Christian is that until either you die or Jesus comes back there is a showdown between the old sin-infected self and the new glorified man-to-come. It's more than a struggle; it's a war. I believe this happens in every Christian, and that fact is, only two people know about it:

You,

and God.

I often think "Man, if people really knew some of the thoughts that go through my head, they would question why I even call myself Christian" Maybe it's a good thing I'm not depended upon my own righteousness to impress God. In this struggle I come to the realization that even though I battle in my mind, I am only who I am because of what God has done for me. On my own, I am nothing. I am a filthy, dirty, and sinful person. Yet when I realize the fact that Jesus gives me righteousness through the cross I can understand it's okay to struggle between who I was and who I am becoming. How is this possible you may ask?

Because Jesus always wins. On my own, I can't.

I will never win, and in fact if you are a Christian out there, you don't win unless it's because Jesus gives you the win. There is an epidemic of disgusting self-righteousness going on through the Christian world, and it needs to be cut off right now. Christians win only because Jesus wins. Take Jesus out of the equation and the Christian fails. It's a simple as that. A Christian isn't a good person. They are still just as rotten as the criminal in the county jail. The only difference is that they have accepted the forgiveness for their lewdness and they have committed to Jesus' way over their own.

God knows us, intimately. He knows our shortcomings and he knows what we bring to the table. We are dirty sinners and yet he still decided to come and die for us, and we can't forget that. He knows us, he knows the man on the inside, and he knows the person we display, and as we continue to struggle with that one on the inside, let's be real and understand that that's going to be a battle that will last for a while. Our answer isn't to ignore it, and our answer isn't to pretend we are good people either. The only hope we have is in the one who knows us and let's us exchange our crud for his forgiveness and perfection.

He knows us, inside and out. Let's rid ourselves of self-righteous pride. Let's deal with that man on the inside, but realize that our righteousness comes from Jesus, not ourselves. Our command is to simply accept the "life more abundantly" that Jesus offers. This comes by submission to God and His word. He will renew our minds in this way. I believe that's how we can win the war.

Time is running short.

It’s officially my last “off day” before my internship is over. I knew 2 months ago that my time here would fly by, and honestly I didn’t think it would be this fast. I am in complete disbelief that this Sunday will be my last Sunday. I also only have one more DEEP to attend. This internship has taught me a lot of things; things about myself, things about ministry, things about working with pastors and congregations, things about working with teenagers, things about time management, things about emotions, things about friendships, and the list could go on and on. I think a lot of people would go through an internship constantly worried about not getting anything out of it. Thankfully, I don’t have to dwell on that. During the school year when I was prepping my mind to be here I was somewhat excited about graduating and going off to work in ministry full time. After my time here at Ocean City I’ve realized that I don’t even want to go back to Valley Forge in the fall. Obviously I need to because I need to graduate, but all I can say is that I’m ready to be out in the world. I’m excited to do what I feel I was created to do. Dreams of having a full time paying job, getting a house, and being an “adult” have plagued my mind for the better part of the summer. I’m ready to go. I know that in the semester that I have left at Valley Forge I’ll be able to tie up some loose ends in my life; talk to some professors, hang out with friends, and finally get my degree. It’s a very exciting time in my life to say the least, and I can’t wait until it comes full circle. With one week to go I get to attend one more prayer service, one more Sunday morning service, and one more DEEP. It’s going to be a great time with my friends and mentors here. We’ll have to see to what benefit my time here has been once I graduate, but I already know that it’s benefited me in my life now.

6 days to go...

9 days to go...

Today is the beginning of my last full week with Ocean City Worship Center. Honestly, it has gone by entirely too fast. I’ve begun setting up what I’ll do when I get back to Pittsburgh on July 6^th. I’m somewhat excited, but at the same time, I’m really going to miss this place. This past weekend I led my second and last Saturday night prayer service. The prayer service honestly has become my favorite service (besides the DEEP, of course). It so laid back and chill, and I always have a unique experience with God there. More than any other time during the week, I feel like God speaks into my life in those moments. Those times that I’ve gotten to spend with those fifteen to twenty prayer warriors of the church have been so encouraging. I decided that for my last prayer meeting I would do a communion service at the end. I got real bread and grape juice from the store. I went all out by not using the cardboard wafer or those sissy cups that you use on Sunday morning; no, I used the real deal: an Italian loaf and styrofoam party cups with 100% Juicy Juice. Oh yes indeed. People actually got something to eat and drink. It was nice. The service was really special, and I’m so glad we get to participate in something Jesus himself participated in and still sends his presence for. We concluded the night with actual “communion”; sitting around and talking while we ate. It was special, and honestly how I think it’s supposed to be. We’ve made communion a ritual and something we just “do”. I feel like communion is supposed to bring God, the individual, and the church into community. Yet, I feel like by just doing communion to do communion and obey an ordinance is foolish and not entirely obedient in itself. Jesus gave us communion so that we could remember him and his promise collectively, but unfortunately in our busy culture, we can’t take more than five minutes to hang out with each other. Saturday night we certainly did, and it was great (and Jesus was there too). This week is going to consist of a lot of time and effort being poured into my report on the feedback survey. I’m already shot because of it, and I’ve only reported on 30 of the 80 questions. The report has to be done by the end of tomorrow because we’re having a staff meeting on Wednesday to talk about the results. Hopefully my insight through this survey and through my report will help OCWC become an even better place than it already is. I’m really going to miss it. Here’s to 9 more days Ocean City!

-Later