In the last couple of days I have been really trying to analyze a a conversation going on inside my head: the one that goes on between myself and...myself. It is a conversation that nobody else hears; it is completely private. The essence of that conversation is thus:
There are two people that truly know me.
Me.
and God.
Everybody else in the world that knows that I exist knows only the man on the outside. People are only aware of the man I give to them. Honestly, I could go through my whole life and give people a phony me. How would they ever know? In fact, I will ask a question to those who actually know me: how do you know that the person I present to you is actually who I am? Better yet, how do you know that the person I present to you is who I even desire to be?
I have struggled a lot lately with being authentic regarding the person I am on the inside and the person I display on the outside. Now before you start to question if I secretly killed a man or am harboring something secret and vile, just know that I'm not even talking about nor living a double lifestyle here. I'm talking about the fact that not one person on this planet knows the thoughts that go through my head and not one person knows the struggles I really deal with.
Only me,
and God.
I think one of the things I'm learning as a Christian is that until either you die or Jesus comes back there is a showdown between the old sin-infected self and the new glorified man-to-come. It's more than a struggle; it's a war. I believe this happens in every Christian, and that fact is, only two people know about it:
You,
and God.
I often think "Man, if people really knew some of the thoughts that go through my head, they would question why I even call myself Christian" Maybe it's a good thing I'm not depended upon my own righteousness to impress God. In this struggle I come to the realization that even though I battle in my mind, I am only who I am because of what God has done for me. On my own, I am nothing. I am a filthy, dirty, and sinful person. Yet when I realize the fact that Jesus gives me righteousness through the cross I can understand it's okay to struggle between who I was and who I am becoming. How is this possible you may ask?
Because Jesus always wins. On my own, I can't.
I will never win, and in fact if you are a Christian out there, you don't win unless it's because Jesus gives you the win. There is an epidemic of disgusting self-righteousness going on through the Christian world, and it needs to be cut off right now. Christians win only because Jesus wins. Take Jesus out of the equation and the Christian fails. It's a simple as that. A Christian isn't a good person. They are still just as rotten as the criminal in the county jail. The only difference is that they have accepted the forgiveness for their lewdness and they have committed to Jesus' way over their own.
God knows us, intimately. He knows our shortcomings and he knows what we bring to the table. We are dirty sinners and yet he still decided to come and die for us, and we can't forget that. He knows us, he knows the man on the inside, and he knows the person we display, and as we continue to struggle with that one on the inside, let's be real and understand that that's going to be a battle that will last for a while. Our answer isn't to ignore it, and our answer isn't to pretend we are good people either. The only hope we have is in the one who knows us and let's us exchange our crud for his forgiveness and perfection.
He knows us, inside and out. Let's rid ourselves of self-righteous pride. Let's deal with that man on the inside, but realize that our righteousness comes from Jesus, not ourselves. Our command is to simply accept the "life more abundantly" that Jesus offers. This comes by submission to God and His word. He will renew our minds in this way. I believe that's how we can win the war.
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