I'm pretty sure this is getting rediculous

Hi.

I'm pretty sure I haven't had this much "righteous indignation" in a long time. Okay let's put it in every day language...I have been pissed off. Have you ever felt like you have 20,000 different emotions trying to express themselves but all you can do is sit there in silence? Well, that's how I have felt the last couple days. In my mind I have said pretty much every bad word in the book, and it has pretty much directed towards one person. I feel hurt; I feel abandoned; I feel like I am nothing. To top it all off, most of my friends aren't being supportive of me, they instead are saying things like "I told you so". I don't need that right now, thanks.

I was talking to my suite-mate tonight about some things (thanks Peter). I told him about how for years I watched my mother and father fall apart, and yet in the midst of it, my dad still tried his best to stay as faithful to my mom as humanly possible. He took every step he could to stick it out with her, but finally he couldn't do it anymore. I guess I have a huge respect for him for that on this side of things because that's something that I also have tried to do and I know it's not easy. I want to be the type of person who sticks things out as best as I can. Ever since the beginning of all this I have always given it to God and said "let me be the man you have called me to be". I believe part of being that man is by persevering to the very end. That's been my goal. When it comes to my future relationships, that will always be my goal.

When somebody tells you that they have feelings for somebody else, however, it certainly complicates things. Sometimes I think I deserve it; most of the time I know I don't. I believe we all have to do our part of the deal in our relationships; we can't just hope to be in control of everything...including making the person feel the same way back...sometimes you just have to find somebody that will do it with out your help. Okay, I lied, it's all the time.

I guess the only reason I'm saying all this is because it's been the only thing that's dominated my mind since Sunday. I should be writing a paper and doing homework, however I can't seem to focus for more than a couple minutes. I just want to fall asleep for a long time...sometimes just not wake up at all. I know that my best move at this point is to just move on with life. I don't mean move on and see other people. I seriously think it will be a long time before I am ever in a relationship again. What happened to me this time is what happened to me similarly my freshman year during that relationship; this one leaving arguably just as much of a hole of pain as the first. I haven't been as faithful to God as I would want to be, sometimes even blaming him for my pain. I have been quickly convicted of this and thus repented of such thoughts, and I would have to say he has been more than faithful to me in this time of need. He is showing me how to live life blindly, how to have faith in everyday things that (I think) to the creator of the universe would seem insignificant, yet for some reason mean something to him. I truly believe that God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and I have been claiming that alot lately. I'm trying to let go of my anger and bitterness. I'm doing my best to allow God to heal my broken heart and take me to the next level in a relationship with him. It's going to take a while, but I know he's faithful and he will give me the desires he's put in my heart. Again, I trust him, even when it's so hard to.