It's Over My Head

Since the school year is starting up again, maybe I'll start writing here again. The lyrics I am posting are a little lengthy, but after long midnight walk tonight, this song was something that was able to bring me to the realization of where the Lord is taking me in my life. This summer, through tour and everything else, He has been incredibly faithful to me. All I can tell you is that He is trustworthy, and why His friendship is so real and why he even wants to hang out with me is quite simply "over my head"...take a minute or two and read this, and if you have the song, listen to it and read along...

Starfield
Over My Head

After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I've only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say

Chorus:
The reach of Your fame
The power in Your name
Your glory surrounds me
It's over my head, It's over my head
The shame of the cross
For all that it cost
This friendship astounds me
It's over my head, It's over my head

Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I'm lost in Your presence, Lord

(Bridge)
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

Lost for the words to say
I'm left here in disarray
Waiting for You, waiting on truth
I've thrown reason overboard
Knowing that there's still more
I don't yet believe, I can't even perceive
I can't seem to understand
Can't seem to find my way
It's over my head, it's over my head
Learning this mystery
Trust what I cannot see
It's over my head, it's over my head
The wonder of all You've made
Foundations Your hands have laid
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees
I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Ruined for anything other than Your love
I'm desperate to know You, Lord
Desperate for what's in store
Finding my hope in only You, in only You
Take me beyond this door
Lead me to something more
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

When all is said an done, His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. Our "religious duty" to Jesus is a walking, talking, growing friendship...really, all he wants is US, nothing less, and nothing more...

Calvinism vs. Arminianism

My class is over with! Woot! Now it's time to leave some fun stuff. This was my final paper for Theology 2 on God's intelligence. Enjoy!

Chosen But Free Reflection – The Supremacy of God’s Intelligence

In chapter three of Chosen But Free, titled “Viewing the Alternatives”, we find Norman Geisler spelling out two schools of thought regarding salvation: Calvinism and Arminianism. From a simple study, one would know that Calvinism favors “TULIP” (Total depravity, Unconditional election, Limited atonement, Irresistible grace, and Perseverance of the saints), a system of belief that favors God’s complete sovereignty in salvation over creation with little respect to human choice. In fact, within Calvinism, human choice, if it did exist at all, wouldn’t matter, because God’s sovereignty would rule over anything else a human could choose to do. It does make sense that a perfectly perfect God with absolute sovereignty would have this, but another system known as Arminianism favors something on the other side of the spectrum. Arminianism does not discount God’s sovereignty as much as it recognizes human choice. Within it, human choice is still second to God’s sovereignty, but it does keep respects to God’s limitations; those being ones he possesses or has chosen to possess. On the extremes, both system fail scripturally. If you can imagine a spectrum, the closer that you get away from the extremes and more to the middle, the better off you seem to be. Hence, the best way both logically and scripturally to view this subject is that mankind is chosen, but at the same time free. Today, I would like to argue against both Calvinist’s and Arminianist’s largest failure in their systems of belief, and I believe that failure to be the disrespect to the intelligence of God. This will be shown by exploring the Calvinist’s failure to link God’s foreknowledge and selection, the Arminianist’s acceptance of God’s foreknowledge and selection, and finally God’s indivisible nature and perfect knowledge in history.

Calvinist’s Failure

The first thing that will be shown is how God logically works within his foreknowledge. On page 43 we see and incredible chart that draws out how God works in both being sovereign and allowing choice logically. Geisler starts by stating that Jesus both foreknew he was to die on the cross (based on the Old Testament prophets as stated by Jesus in his teachings) and at the same time stated that nobody took his life from him, but that he choose to lay it down. If God is omniscient, he would have known that Jesus would die on the cross in the future. God is not limited to time, but mankind is, and so with Jesus taking on human flesh, he too was limited to time with his visit to the earth. This would mean that Jesus would have to die on the cross in this time, even though he chose to lay down his life; and in fact that’s what the scriptures say; Jesus did choose to freely lay down his life. Therefore Jesus foreknew what he was going to choose to do. God is the creator of all that is, he is the uncaused first cause, and is all-knowing, and yet he still made a choice to die to save human kind. His actions were not dependant on human choice, however they didn’t need to be; his choice involved his own actions and his alone. Therefore, God foreknows all things with respects to his other actions, both past and future. It would be then safe to assume that since in creation (an action) that God would know what his creation would do in the future, and maybe that was because in his divine intelligence he knew he would have to create people a certain way, give them certain traits, put them in certain cultures, link them with certain parents, etc. in order for his purposes to come to pass. It is already well-known that God has an infallible plan that will come to completion. In order for God to have some kind of “real relationship” with his creation he would have to at some point limit himself to allow choice, but at the same time keep control of his plan, and I believe that this is through his absolute, perfect, and holy intelligence, something Calvinists don’t give God enough credit for.

Calvinists have a huge problem linking this intelligence with what God chooses to do because they believe that in doing so it puts human choice above God’s sovereignty. They unlink his choice with his foreknowledge by saying that God created people and chose only some of them to be saved, others he created to just die (simply based on God’s preference and nothing else). Calvinists will say that men have a “choice” in their salvation; fortunately if a man who has been chosen to be saved “chooses” to turn from it, God will hit him with irresistible grace until he “accepts” it. Therefore, no matter what, God is in control of man’s salvation all the way. Now, not to get too personal, but if I was God, and I created mankind in order to be in some sort of relationship with them, and in order to do that chose to lay down my life in love for them, for some reason I think I would want a human to freely chose to love me back. There seems to be some sort of illustration at hand where a human being continually says no to God but because God chose him, he at some point would have to say, “I guess I can’t resist the irresistible”. Where is repentance in that? Where is grace through faith? Where is the accepting of love? If human beings are (by either default or action) sinners (both accepted in different sects of Calvinism) it would seem that they need to at some point (at least) apologize for their sins. Both unconditional election and irresistible grace negate it!

The safer (and more logical) way to look at this is that God in some way has allowed us to not only be chosen, but also free to love him back. We were free to choose the fruit in the garden, and we are free to choose to repent. Our repentance doesn’t save us, only Christ’s work does, but repentance is that avenue to salvation when linked with faith. At the same time, God foreknew all of it, and in some way (I’ve have tried to spell out my version of it) still holds the steering wheel of sovereignty in order that his plan will come to pass. The Calvinist’s failure is that they fail to recognize how intelligent God really is in both his creativity and his foreknowledge.

Arminianist’s Acceptance of God’s Foreknowledge

At this point, it seems like it would be easy to say that the Calvinists are wrong and the Armenians are right because a lot of evangelicals hold to a more Armenian world view than Calvinistic one. Unfortunately there are flaws in the Armenians view as well. First, the accuracy of their argument will be discussed, and secondly will come their inaccuracies.

Geisler points out that extreme Calvinists tend to use a certain argument against Arminianists regarding God’s foreknowledge. Calvinists argue that God’s foreknowledge is in no way linked to his divine selection of the elect. Their reasoning for this is that if they were linked together, God would be at the mercy of people’s actions, and in a sense not be completely sovereign. God would not limit himself to who would choose him because that would put people in the driver’s seat for his plan and not Himself. It, in a sense, dethrones God and puts him under the creation. For the Calvinist, “God’s knowledge cannot be dependant on our free choices”. Fortunately, I have a counter argument. In my view of God, I don’t see just a hierarchy between God and man, where God is the king and he just steps on the scene to govern. If he did, I would see the need to believe he would take control and practice almost dictatorship. What Calvinists forget to remember is that God is not only king, but he is more importantly creator. His hierarchy is not just because he is above us but instead because he has created us. I believe that God’s knowledge then can depend on our free choices because our choices (even though they are “our own”) are still being influenced by the creativity of the creator. God can do whatever he wants within the creation, and I strongly believe that through his creation he can give us choice but at the same time have that divine influence on us. He knows our futures because he knows us. Psalm 139 is very clear that he knew us throughout the creation process and I would venture to bet that he knows us better than we know ourselves. Therefore, God can limit his foreknowledge to our actions because he has also influenced our actions through his creative creativity. I like what the Oracle says to Neo in the Matrix Reloaded; she says to him that “You didn’t come here to make a choice, you already made the choice. Now you have to try and understand it”. I think that along the same lines we too have made a choice, and not only does God already know that choice but also why it was made, because he’s intelligent enough to know; he’s had a hand in it since our creation.

With that being said, the Armenian view is not completely flawless. Within extreme Arminianism there is a huge inaccuracy. Extreme Arminianism states that God’s sovereignty is always second to human choice, and there I believe there is some danger. No matter where you stand on the spectrum, it is absolutely necessary to understand that above all else God’s sovereignty must take precedence over our own choice. God is the infinite creator and we are the finite creation. God truly is the “author of all” and even though there is choice involved in it; it in no way will ever take precedence over God’s own choice. It would seem with this being in place, and with my view still being that choice exists within the sovereignty of God; a paradox is created. I will throw a phrase out there (which I don’t know if somebody else has already penned or not) that God’s “chosen but free” attitude towards us is an “unwound paradox”. It is a paradox to think that we are bound to a plan but free in it, but to God it makes sense and that’s all that matters. God will always be infinite in his knowledge and we will always be finite in it, so we may never know. The extreme Armenian view and the extreme Calvinistic view will never work because it is man’s attempt to open finite humanity’s brain to something that we may never know. Scripture is clear that it has to be somewhere in the middle and nowhere else.

God is indivisible and has been consistent through history

Within this wheel of an argument, there are some things that need to be stated regarding God’s perfection. Scripture has been consistent from page one in teaching two things: (1) God is sovereign over his creation and (2) God gave men the freedom to choose. No where in the Bible will you find a passage that shows one quality completely eliminating the other. I have already shown that both God’s sovereignty and our choice are both influenced by the creative creativity of the Creator anyway.

Many Calvinists and Arminianists will whether God has either been able to separate his choice for the elect with his foreknowledge or not. Briefly this will be taken on. Geisler will argue against the Calvinists here by saying that “God’s foreknowledge and his fordetermination cannot be separated. God is one simple (indivisible) being.” These two traits of God are actually one in the same because God cannot be divided. Therefore, the extreme Calvinist view does not work. Geisler also brings forth a profound argument when he says that “He did not determine that they would be forced to perform free acts. What is forced is not free, and what is free is not force. In brief, we are chosen but free.” God cannot force somebody to love him just like he cannot force somebody to accept his grace. In doing so he has created what the heralded genius Mark MacLean quotes as “robots”. Indeed again, choice and sovereignty are present.

In conclusion, I believe that the largest flaw between the Calvinistic and Armenian debate is the lack of appreciation for the intelligence of God. Again, we are finite beings trying to understand something that Infinite Being has chosen not to explicitly explain. As believers, one must understand that God is completely sovereign and that he has allotted humans choice within that sovereignty at the same time. How that works is a beautiful mystery known only to the infinite Creator. God has orchestrated an unwound paradox which since the creation of everything seems to have worked pretty well. God is in control of everything, and he loves his creation and desires their love enough to give them the option to choose him or not. In this, mankind is chosen, and also free.

M&M's and a Pepsi

Okay, so what if I'm into mood lighting? Maybe I just like a homey room...

Anyway, I'm back on the bed writing tonight's inspirational thoughts. Here goes. Sometimes life is downright depressing. Sometimes you get in those moods where you're depressed for no reason; other times you're depressed for a reason that you should be over but for no reason comes back at the most inconvenient time to bite you in the rear; sometimes you're depressed and you know exactly why.

You pick one, all I'm going to say is that, I'm feeling depressed.

What does one do amidst depression. Obviously I am feeling it because I'm not a good enough Christian. After all, good Christians are never unhappy. Um, false. If that were true I would have lost my spot a long time ago. Sometimes I think you can feel so empty, so worthless, so bland; sometimes you feel like nothing really matters, everything is meaningless and you don't really care. That's been my attitude for about the last 6 hours (or 6 days, who knows) and guess what, I'm not any less depressed, I'm actually more! Okay...so...plan one, DON'T DO THAT.

Plan 2.

Let's pretend everything's okay and just be really superficial. Yep, good plan, and maybe plan 3 should be to jump in front of a moving truck...

Anyway plan 4, I think the thing I'm having the hardest time dealing with right now is how do I do the right thing? Why am I feeling like I feel? Why would God allow me to feel this way if in the end he didn't have my well being in mind? I think I need to start there. No matter what, it's going to take alot for me to escape the plans God has for my life, and sometimes he just let's things happen (and sometimes causes them to happen) in order that my future would be better. Obviously I can't see the future, all I can see is right now, and I would be biased to say "God you're not that smart, are you?"

After He gets done hysterically laughing in my face I realize that maybe I'm the ignorant one.

And besides what do I have to lose? "No one who trusts in the Lord will ever be put to shame". Do I believe it? Not as much as I should. I think the Lord is allowing me in this season in my life to realize how dependent he desires for me to be towards him. Through all the thoughts and all the screw ups that I have been through as a result of my situation, I think He may just be saying "Trust me....trust me". In doing so I can't lose. Either He is right and I win, or He's wrong and...well he has a good track record anyway. I can cling to that.

"Lord, in this time I don't know why I going through what I am going through. I have given you my situation since day one, and here I am somewhat disappointed. May you take my life in the direction you desire and may you teach me to depend on you the way that you would want me to. I repent of my sin in my mindset and in my deed, may both of them be pleasing in your sight as I take daily the cross which is before me to carry. I once again commit my life and my heart to you. I give you my friendship, it's what you desire most. There's nothing I need to worry about because even if things get worse you are still there. You are still faithful. I have nothing worth living for as much as you anyway, so take this life and make it pleasing in your sight. May the words of my mouth, the meditation of my heart, and the deeds of my hands be pleasing in your sight, my God, my Rock, and my Redeemer.

I bring them to you in Jesus name".

The family and the servant

Today I was home in Pittsburgh for the last time until tour starts (or until the Penguins make it to the Stanley Cup Finals which in that case I will be home). I had and opportunity to spend most of the day with my family. We did our usual thing: Church in the morning and brunch at Grandma's after. I had an opportunity to learn that next weekend both my sister and my cousin (who are both 18) are going to be baptized at church. I am so proud of them. They have been so faithful in seeking out God. I'm even more "proud" of how God has brought this to be. I know that I have been actively involved in my Aunt Noreen's life and have had opportunities to talk to her about the Lord. She was baptized just a couple months ago, and now that has trickled down to her son and also my sister. It truly is amazing how God works. I've been so scared that I would push away my ever wondering family, and in my times of being the most discouraged God steps in and "saves the day". I've been praying for these guys on a semi-regular basis and God really has been faithful. I observed both my sister and my cousin during service this morning, and it is clearly evident that they love the Lord and are growing every day. After this weekend, even amidst all the problems we've had, I couldn't ask for a better family. I love them more than anything on this planet.

I'm trying to start a new devotional thing by reading through the Gospels the next couple of weeks. I am starting with the Gospel of Mark. As I began tonight, I read in my Bible's intro that Mark does a good job of showing Jesus' servant side. The author of the intro quoted Mark 10:45 which says:

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

I got these pictures in my head, firstly of a person in leadership, no one in particular, but somebody who has some kind of authority who wants the spotlight on him. He wants all the attention. And then here's the king of the universe (the king now, mind you), and he didn't come to have anybody wipe his butt, he came to wipe other people's butts and then die for their butts. Ridiculous. I've had an opportunity to really think about all the paradoxical things that God has done on this planet, and when you sit down and think about it, it really is amazing. The king of all there is came to be a servant and die for many. I find it amazing that so many people have misconceptions about God, even "Christians". God's driving force is love and he displays it through servanthood. What other religions can claim to have a God that serves them (not only that, but also dies because of His love for them)? God's still working me through a very tough time, and although the road gets bumpy sometimes, I have hope because I know he's doing the opposite of what I think he should do.He's breaking the stereotype. He's not against me, he's for me, and he wants to work things out for my good because He loves me. What can separate us from the love of God? What was that? Oh yeah...nothing. That's what I thought you said.

Anniversary

Tonight was a pretty awesome night. I had an opportunity this weekend to come home and attend my Grandma and Pap's 50'th wedding anniversary party. It was a surprise party, and let me tell you, they were surprised. I think I expected my Grandma's reaction, but my Pap's was by far the most priceless thing ever. He just walked in after everybody shouted "Surprise!" and "Happy Anniversary!" and had the most confused look I had ever seen in my life. He proceeded to tell everybody there how nobody has ever fooled him before, and if you know our family we can brag quite a bit (and most of the time exaggerated). He definitely made sure everybody in that building knew by the time that they left that they had gotten him good. The entire evening was wonderful; my Grandma was especially happy that I was home for the occasion. Dinner was incredible, and my Aunt Karen, who had orchestrated the entire thing, put on a slide show with music and needless to say waterworks ensued from the eyes of every person there. She then told everybody about how our family is indebted to my grandparents because of their example and how much they believed in each other and their kids. It really was awesome. 50 years. Wow. I couldn't have asked for better grandparents. I am blessed beyond all measure.

I'm going to come out and say something that may not be overly spiritual. I'm often reminded of the first couple chapters of Genesis which says that Adam and God were pretty tight, and although Adam had God, he was still missing something. Everything up until that point in creation had been good, but it was not good that Adam was alone. We all know that God then created Eve to be a "suitable helper". I hear a lot of people talk about how this applies to our need for fellowship between human beings. I'm not going argue against that, but I truly believe that it is also specific to a man-woman relationship. It is good that men and women are together, being suitable helpers for each other. Why the word helper? Do you hear any sense of dependency in that word? Think of any other word that could have been used; instead we see helper. We see Adam walking and talking with the God who spoke the universe into existence and here is Adam still in need of something more. I, in no way am going to say that God is not enough for us. I also am not going to deny that loneliness is a real thing. God said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, therefore loneliness is bad. We are not supposed to be alone. We are supposed to fellowship with others; we are suppose to fellowship with a certain "helper". I know right now I'm dealing with something very difficult, but as I step back and view the relationship models in my life, including the one I got to see tonight, I am encouraged that someday I will make somebody as happy as I desire them to make me. I want to find somebody that I can't get enough of. I want a suitable helper. I want a best friend. As I continue to press on through this time I am confident that God knows the desire of my heart (he put it there, after all) and I trust in his plan for my life. He knows ultimately what is good and what is not good, and he will provide for his child.

So have I ever written a blog involving God's faithfulness? lol

No? Okay, well I'll tell you about it now then :).

The sermon I preached today went really well. At fist I was a little bit worried because I fumbled around in my notes a little bit and I went over time by like a minute, but I felt like I ended well. Baker said specifically during our class discussion time, "Okay, what were some of his strengths?" I thought that the question would be proceeded by "Okay, what were some of his weaknesses?" That second question never came up though, and people were gracious enough to just bombard me with compliments and I was really humbled that God spoke through me the way he did. One of my good friends from class even raised his and sincerely spoke to me saying "That really touched my heart; I needed to hear that". May I say that it is an awesome feeling to know that God can work through people that who even a week earlier didn't want to even be at college anymore. Okay, so the good news isn't over yet. Then, I went to chapel, which today was designated awards chapel where they award scholarship money to students. I received two scholarships today, and I've never received anything like this in my life. The first scholarship was worth $1250, the largest amount given away in that specific type of scholarship. I also received a $750 scholarship from a donor (I don't remember their name, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you). Tonight was wonderful too. We had our first recording session in the studio, and after a series of technical difficulties, we finally recorded two songs in 45 minutes, which is really good. Needless to say, I had an alright day.

I just once again want to thank God for his incredible faithfulness to me. Thank you. I really feel like sometimes I don't deserve anything in the world, but still I've cried out to him to take care of me so many times and he really, really is doing it. It's becoming easier and easier to believe the statement by Jesus which goes something along the lines of "even if you're earthly father who is evil can give you good things how much more can your heavenly father give you good things". God truly is the provider of all good things, and his faithfulness to me has just been incredible. I'm reminded of the fact that when we may mess up, people's faithfulness to us usually is very short lived. It's very conditional. I truly believe that God's commitment to us goes so far beyond our understanding. Sometimes we are so unfaithful to our heavenly father and yet he continues to show us his love. I feel like he's already done enough and that he really doesn't need to do anymore. He wants to though, and he's proved that by being so good to me this week. In the times that can seem so hopeless and when my outlook on my future can seem so blurry, I feel like worry just slips out the back door because as a follower of the living God I really have nothing to worry about. He is a good God, he always has been, he always will be. I'm am living it out and everyday is an incredible adventure with him. Don't give up. He's faithful even if you're not being to him. Take hold of what he has for you. I promise you that people will let you down, but God will never ever do anything close to that. He is truly faithful.

Oh Gravity!

Like the song right?! Gravity...the never ending force that always impacts our every move; the thing that never goes away. Yeah I know what you're thinking, its sounds alot like SCHOOL WORK! Ahh! I'm so stressed right now. It's 12:45 a.m. on the dot, and I just got out of the shower and forgot that I needed to blog tonight. Stink. Oh well. This week is already stressful and it's only Monday. I worked last night and tonight both for 8 hours each, and I'm really feeling the fatigue. Tomorrow morning I have to preach my last sermon for Preaching to Youth and I'm really excited because I'll be done with that class. The only problem is that I preached it once tonight and it wasn't exactly where I would want it to be. I feel comfortable with the material, and I know that tomorrow morning I'll be more rested and my head will be on more straight (I hope) so I think it's going to go okay. This week is just going to be crazy musically. Tomorrow night is our first night in the studio to record the CD, and it's all about the drums baby :). Wednesday we have practice in the evening for worship chapel which will occur on Friday. Thursday again will be filled with a day of drumming in the studio getting the CD done. Friday is really exciting for me, I'm going home, but I can't tell you why because somebody might be reading this and it would be bad if they found out I was coming. I can't wait to just bust out of this place and take a one day break. I feel like all I'm doing is work work work. I'll be completely honest, this is the hardest I've ever been pushed in my entire life. God's been so incredibly faithful to strengthening me that it's not even funny. I know for a fact that if it wasn't for God's strength in my life that I would have burned out already. I am right on the edge though, and I'm doing my best to keep my priorities straight. "My aim is to please Him", truly I feel like anymore it is. I don't feel like I've come anywhere close to accomplishing it, but I know that my heart is where it needs to be. God's been faithful in taking away some of my pain, and everyday it's becoming easier and easier to trust him. He's seeing me out, and I can't wait to see where he's going to take me.

Pittsburgh...4 more days...here I come :)

Sympathy

Sometimes it's the only thing I want.

I think I have learned a lot of things this week. One of those things is the fact that no matter how we respond to the statement "You don't know how it feels", truly we don't know what other people are going through. This week for me has been complete hell. I have felt abandoned by my closest friends, even by God at some points. Sometimes all I really want is for someone to step out and really understand what I'm going through and sympathize with me; instead I feel like I'm always trying to convince them to. Some people tell me they know what it's like, and I respond with wondering why then aren't they right there next to me, because if they really knew what it was like they would know that having someone beside you is very much necessary. I have felt so alone this week. I know that God never truly leaves us, and since he is such an integral part of my life I feel ashamed to say that sometimes I don't feel like he's close. As I look back on the week, and even though I have felt that way, I can see perfectly as to how he has been orchestrating my life. I talked with Dom today for our accountability thing for class about some of the dreams and visions I have had for myself this semester regarding my future. To be honest with you, I feel like if what happened last Sunday hadn't happened to me then one or more of those may have been hindered in the future. I know that in the next two years God has something for me so far beyond what I can comprehend. If only I could really know what to expect! Dom reminded me today that if I felt like I really lost something last week, and if God really has his hand on my life, that all I can expect now is for God to give me something 10 times better, in a relationship (or not) and just in my life in general.

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-Psalm 139:16

He truly has a hand on my life and I'm believing it more and more. In my head I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be almost a week later, and to be honest with you sometimes I'm just beside myself with pain, but God's been very faithful to order my steps. He's teaching me about forgiveness and character; hope and trust. In about a half hour it's going to be Sunday, and one week ago is when this event turned my world upside down. I can say with full confidence that I trust God and that this upcoming week is going to be filled with promises fulfilled. I'm going to be open and receptive to what he has for me...it's so much better than the plans I would have for myself.

I'm pretty sure this is getting rediculous

Hi.

I'm pretty sure I haven't had this much "righteous indignation" in a long time. Okay let's put it in every day language...I have been pissed off. Have you ever felt like you have 20,000 different emotions trying to express themselves but all you can do is sit there in silence? Well, that's how I have felt the last couple days. In my mind I have said pretty much every bad word in the book, and it has pretty much directed towards one person. I feel hurt; I feel abandoned; I feel like I am nothing. To top it all off, most of my friends aren't being supportive of me, they instead are saying things like "I told you so". I don't need that right now, thanks.

I was talking to my suite-mate tonight about some things (thanks Peter). I told him about how for years I watched my mother and father fall apart, and yet in the midst of it, my dad still tried his best to stay as faithful to my mom as humanly possible. He took every step he could to stick it out with her, but finally he couldn't do it anymore. I guess I have a huge respect for him for that on this side of things because that's something that I also have tried to do and I know it's not easy. I want to be the type of person who sticks things out as best as I can. Ever since the beginning of all this I have always given it to God and said "let me be the man you have called me to be". I believe part of being that man is by persevering to the very end. That's been my goal. When it comes to my future relationships, that will always be my goal.

When somebody tells you that they have feelings for somebody else, however, it certainly complicates things. Sometimes I think I deserve it; most of the time I know I don't. I believe we all have to do our part of the deal in our relationships; we can't just hope to be in control of everything...including making the person feel the same way back...sometimes you just have to find somebody that will do it with out your help. Okay, I lied, it's all the time.

I guess the only reason I'm saying all this is because it's been the only thing that's dominated my mind since Sunday. I should be writing a paper and doing homework, however I can't seem to focus for more than a couple minutes. I just want to fall asleep for a long time...sometimes just not wake up at all. I know that my best move at this point is to just move on with life. I don't mean move on and see other people. I seriously think it will be a long time before I am ever in a relationship again. What happened to me this time is what happened to me similarly my freshman year during that relationship; this one leaving arguably just as much of a hole of pain as the first. I haven't been as faithful to God as I would want to be, sometimes even blaming him for my pain. I have been quickly convicted of this and thus repented of such thoughts, and I would have to say he has been more than faithful to me in this time of need. He is showing me how to live life blindly, how to have faith in everyday things that (I think) to the creator of the universe would seem insignificant, yet for some reason mean something to him. I truly believe that God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and I have been claiming that alot lately. I'm trying to let go of my anger and bitterness. I'm doing my best to allow God to heal my broken heart and take me to the next level in a relationship with him. It's going to take a while, but I know he's faithful and he will give me the desires he's put in my heart. Again, I trust him, even when it's so hard to.

A new turn for my life

Right now I'm laying on my bed. I have all the lights turned off, except for one. I'm in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and The Afters are echoing out of my laptop. About 24 hours ago, my life was drastically changed by an event. A girl who for the last year and 2 months I have cared for and loved told me she had feelings for somebody else. We had been off and on for a while, but other than a small break for about a month where we saw other people, we have been in each others lives. I could rank last night as being in my top 10 most emotional times in my life. I was heartbroken beyond belief, the only way I could describe it is that it felt like she took my heart out of my chest and stomped it off the ground into 1000 pieces. It took me along time to cry (about an hour after I stopped talking to her) because I was having trouble dealing with the feelings of anger; I was also having a hard time breathing which caused me to get out my car (where we were talking) and walk around for a few minutes before I got back in the car. The last 24 hours have been nothing less than heartbreaking. I slept terribly last night, skipped my morning class and chapel, and tried as casually as I could to go to the cafeteria for lunch, where Adam McGuffy told me that I looked like I was going to kill myself. In all honesty, the way I felt wasn't too far from that. I was as faithful as I knew how to be even though she treated me like she did. Then, to have her throw off the boat for no reason, needless to say, I felt about "this" big. I felt like nothing. I felt worthless. Until I laid down to do some homework tonight I hadn't quite figured out my next move. I have now. God has a plan for my life. He has someone in mind for me. They are going to blow my mind. They are going to be my best friend and life partner. They aren't going to take me for granted or throw me off; they're going to appreciate what I do. They're going to care about me. I need not worry. Right now, 24 hours from such a terrible experience, I can say I have peace, and the only reason I have peace is because there is a God who is screaming at me "I have something for you that you can't even begin to fathom...this thing isn't just in a relationship, but in a life I've prepared". My God has a plan to prosper me and NOT TO HARM ME (If God is for us who can be against us?), plans for a hope and for a future, and so from this point on, every part of me lays down my life at the feet of my Jesus. He alone holds the keys to my destiny, one in which he is going to be glorified by doing great things through me. He will be glorified by the praise I give him with my life because of the good things he has done for me. I will not forget his benefits. I will not forget his plan. I will not forget the help he has sent in the past. He is close to me in my most brokenhearted state, and he will never leave me; he will never forsake me. He will always stay, He is...always...faithful.

A reflection on this week's study

I have been reading Philippians this week as part of my daily devotions, and let me say that I have been having my socks blessed off by it. I'm am so encouraged by Paul's attitude towards life. At the end of the book he speaks about being content in all situations, and of course you probably know his famous line in Philippians 4:13 which says "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me". May it just be known that when he wrote that he was chilling in prison, tied to a pole, sitting in his own feces. Anyway, my focus hasn't been so much on his contentedness as it has been on something else that has been going on in my life. If you have read any of my other blogs about Perpetua or perhaps have had the opportunity to talk to me, you know I have been struggling lately with the idea of Godly priority and martyrdom. I have been struggling with the fact that I feel like I am persecuted in NO WAY WHATSOEVER, however sometimes I feel like I am ashamed of my Savior. For example, I have trouble sharing my faith with people. There are people from the first and second century who had to share their faith too, except when they did they were thrown into the Colosseum to be eaten by wild animals at the expense of Rome's entertainment. Yeah..they lived and shared without shame. This fact has, to say the least, discouraged me quite a bit. My desire is to be pleasing to Him; to have Him as my priority; to be truly living like he is my God and to fulfill his purposes for my life. I just want to throw out a scripture that I have been reflecting on all week that has changed the way I look at this desire:

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Let me say that it has been incredibly motivating to know that my desire to do God's will isn't even my own desire being made by me. God is the author of my desire, and if I have that desire, then it proves that I'm right where God wants me. I know he has a plan for my life, and I want to be pleasing to him. His good purposes will be made known daily to me because he is putting the will and the strength in me to live according to the standard He's called me to live. On top of it, He's called me into ministry where He wants me to reach people with his life changing Gospel. I just want to say that it has been incredible and it makes it so much easier for my busy life because amidst everything that is before me and needs to get done in so little time, I have peace because He is working in me to do what He has planned for me. God truly has good things in mind for us and doesn't leave us abandoned to attain it!

How to not be a hypocrite -->

I have been blessed to have had so many good things happen in my life lately. Just this past weekend I was in Hershey, Pennsylvania with my youth group to chaperone for them at youth convention. I know that during my last blog I was really tired and it probably didn't make too much sense, but basically a synopsis of it would be...it was awesome :). I haven't written since the first service so I thought I'd update everyone on how the others went as well. The Friday morning candle light communion service was pretty good; much better than past years. I can't really tell you what else I remember from that service because the evening service was so memorable.

Typically, A/G youth conventions leave the last night to be their "receive the Holy Spirit" night. All I have to say is that I don't remember ever hearing a call to receive the Holy Spirit, but He certainly was present. At the beginning of the speaker's message he announced that at any time during his message that anybody could feel free to come down to the altar as they saw fit. I knew off the bat that it was going to be a powerful night. However, I expected maybe only a handful of people to make their way to the altar, but I promise you by the time he actually made the altar call that there was no room because the altar was full. Starting about halfway through service until the end I saw countless couples and triples of people make their way to the altar, each group clearly showing emotion. At the point of the actual altar call the speaker called the people in the building to feel the pain of the people in their lives who needed Christ. He counted to three, and when he said three I experienced something I don't think I've ever experienced in my life. I heard a roar of weeping echo throughout the arena. The sadness alone was enough to make one cry. I remember following some of my kids up to the altar (well to the sound booth because there was too many people to actually make it there). I began to cry out for God to show me the pain that would drive me to doing what I was called to do, but amidst the people that we're clearly being touched by God, I felt like I wasn't. I helped minister to some of my kids after the service was over, and I believe God used me in it, but as far as my own life being touched I didn't feel like God had done anything. I walked out of the building disappointed because I had heard all these people weeping over their "ministries", and I wasn't feeling it. I was silent on the walk back to van. Everybody got into the van and waited for our driver; I walked around the empty parking lot asking God what I was doing wrong. We finally did leave, and as we drove away from the Giant Center...it hit me. I began seeing those in my life that I was to minister to. I felt their pain, immensely. I felt a burden. I remember telling God "I'll go...I'll go" but I remember feeling like he was saying back to me "Just trust me...just trust me"...

There was a famous 2nd century martyr by the name of Perpetua that I have been reading about. She was a 21 year old Christian that had her baby held in front of her and was told to deny Christ. She instead denied her child. I don't really have time to tell you what her story means to me, but she was killed by the Roman government for her belief in the Messiah, and her baby was orphaned.

What is the point of all this rambling? All I have time to say is that I really am starting to feel people's pain. I am really starting to understand what it means to be a real Christian. I'm learning how to not be a hypocrite. How? A denial of self; a taking up of a cross that has been put before you. Jesus took up his cross, and it benefited many others. I truly am starting to believe that our cross is the same thing. Our denial of self isn't just to benefit us; it's not just limited to the pleasing of God; but I truly believe that our cross is to be taken up so that many would come to know Christ and that God would be glorified.

I trust him, and as much as it scares me (and it does to death) I am learning how to die to myself so that others may have the pain of their lives satisfied by the power of the Gospel which is unto salvation.

So, don't be a hypocrite, deny yourself, take up your cross, feel other people's pain.
It's the hardest thing in the world to do.

A long time coming...

I'm chilling in the Sheraton Hotel in Harrisburg currently. It's 12:46 on Friday, March 21, and I just got through my first night of Youth Convention with Evolution Student Ministries. Needless to say, tonight was everything I expected and so much more. For the last couple of days I have really been praying that God would touch the teens in our youth group because I know it's hard for them to pursue God in youth group. I don't know why this is exactly, but it was rather encouraging to see the teens seeking God like they did. There's just something about being in an arena filled with 5000+ other teenagers seeking God. Tonight definitely took me back to my days when I was a teenager and was experiencing youth convention for the first time. I certainly am blessed to have had such awesome people pour into my life like they did...I wouldn't be where I am today if these people hadn't.

I also have observed how far I have come as a Christian and a leader since those days. This is my first time being back at convention in 2 years, and this time, instead of being a student I am a leader. Today I've already had to do some duties of a leader. I've had to use discernment in what to say to these teenagers. I've had to discipline people and punish them. Tonight at service two of my girls answered an altar call, and we ended up walking right up to the stage in front of 5000+ people. By the end of the time up front we were all crying and praising God. I had an opportunity to pray for them as they cried out to Him. God moved in such a powerful way tonight, and it wasn't just in the service (which I will admit was amazing), it was also in my own heart as I saw how far he has taken me. He's made it so very clear what he's done in my life, and I am thankful beyond measure for the plan he's manifested in my life, and what he's going to continue to do. I can't wait to see what the next 2 days hold for us.

He is faithful.

Scapegoat

Traditionally, we associate the word "scapegoat" with blaming somebody for something, regardless as to whether it was their fault. In Leviticus 16 of the Bible God points out his instructions as to how the Israelites were going to have their sins forgiven by God. The priest was to take two goats, one that would be killed and presented to the Lord as a sin offering, the other, the "scapegoat" was to be presented alive and sent out into the wilderness. Traditionally this is understood as the sins being "put on" to this animal and carried away never to be remembered by God again.

Fast forward.

In any school of Christian thought, one would understand the deity of Christ to be and not limited to anything less than God himself. In the understanding of the incarnation and the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, we can assume that Christ's sacrifice fulfilled all the requirements of the Law in the area of atonement.

This being said...

The last couple days for me have been very reflective in the area of Christ on the cross because I've been reading alot for my Theo 2 paper that's due this week. God actually put on flesh and died to once and for all atone his people. He took our sin and bore it on his shoulders, and when I think about that sacrifice, God saw the fact that we screwed up, and He stepped out and did something about it. He took on both the roles of the sacrificed goat and the scapegoat, and as God poured out his wrath on himself (which is profound in it's own context) one could assume that he was actually blaming himself in his righteous judgment. Now before we pull out the stones and cry "heresy", let me explain that I don't for one second believe it to be God's fault for our sin, but if we can correctly assume this, it would mean that God loved us enough; wanted a relationship with us enough that he'd be willing to step in and take that role in order to meet us right where we are. He shifted the blame from the creation to the creator (Himself) and punished sin on his own shoulders. To me that is profound...and I'm not going to write anymore tonight, but I do ask that, if you are reading this, take 5 minutes and reflect on how much God did for you.


...His love endures forever...

I'm alive!

Yes, it's true! My apologies to all my faithful readers out there that don't really exist. Probably after my last blog it may have seemed like I dropped off the planet never to return. Quite the contrary. I haven't blogged in over a week, which is no good considering my grade is on the line. Anyway, I'm back baby, I'm back.

I guess my last blog was rather depressing, and if it didn't seem that way, well, it was supposed to be. Last week...to put it plainly, sucked the big one. I had an absolutely horrendous week. I was stressed out, confused, depressed, tired, plus anything else you could type into thesaurus.com and get from these words. I was miserable. Most of my troubles came from one major decision I had to make. I had to decide whether I was to continue to pursue what I had or to step out and see what else God had for me. I chose the latter. Let me tell you that a burden like no other was lifted on me, and with God's help it has been rather easy not to look back. I think sometimes we can get so complacent in our bad situations. Even if we are believing God for the best, I think sometimes he can be saying "no" and all the while we say "why not?". This "why not?" often causes us to rationalize things and stay in that complacent mode. At the same time I also believe God to be the God who "gives and takes away", which to me says he knows exactly what we need when we need it. With that mindset, I have allowed everything I am involved in to become a teachable moment. One of my personal goals is to be a humble and teachable person; one that can listen to direction both from God and from those he puts in my path.

I sincerely believe that this situation I am going through now was ordained to happen by God since the beginning because he knew it was going to teach me something. Wherever I am going in life, this step of obedience that I am taking will more than likely make me into the man I want to be, because if I am believing God, then I can't lose. Truly, if I seek God's kingdom and righteousness first, he will take care of the rest. Seriously, it's an easy trade off. Party with God, and he'll fix all my crap. Who wouldn't like a deal like that?!
A great wise old man named Tim Bennett once told me that if it looks like God has put it in front of you, and it's risky, then take it. I asked him what to do about Chosen when I found out I made the team. I wanted God's will for the band and for me and so I sought him through it. God put it in front of me, it was risky to join, and now here I am, and God's doing some amazing things. I think in my other situation, I am going to do the same thing. I am going to trust God completely because for the first time he is allowing me to tap into what he's made me to be. He's allowing me to see what I really want. He says he will "give us the desires of our hearts" and I think for the first time I am actually beginning to discover what that means.

It's all a journey...and He is making me perfectly content.

"Find rest, O my soul"

Yes...I'm a guy and I'm asking for directions...

"Only in our moments of greatest personal helplessness do we begin to discover the life-changing presence and power of God...God's strength is made perfect in our weakness."
-Gary Kinnaman

I haven't written for a couple of days, which at this point is pretty bad because my grade is on the line. Right now, I'm probably going through one of the toughest struggles I have ever had to deal with since being at VFCC. This struggle is one of direction. Being that I'm going to a pastor or in ministry at some level, I feel like the expectation from people is that I get hourly updates from God via text message. For those of you that are going into ministry or maybe already are, you know it doesn't work like that. This week I have felt flat out depressed. I've had a lot of issues arise and demand my attention, a lot of them against my will. I feel like I should know exactly where I am supposed to be heading, and even when people say "Hey no you're doing okay", I don't feel like I am. So many times I have broken down and lost it, and in those times when I feel like the biggest sissy on the planet...God steps in and provides me with a peace that I can't explain, peace that occurs for absolutely no reason other than that I'm spending time with Him and believing in Him for my life. It's funny too because the more time I spend away from God, the more and more helpless I feel. I try to depend on myself too much (yeah I know...so shoot me) and have a hard time listening to the words, "Trust Me". Seriously, how in the free world can I be expected to just follow blindly and have no realistic reason to believe that things will work out for my best benefit?

It's so funny because even though I am saying this, I still believe completely in the sovereignty of God and that He will do what He has promised to do, and that is take care of His child. I still believe it even if I don't understand how or why. I guess I'm just letting out a lot of frustration right now. I just want to be where I know I'm supposed to be, and I know that with Jesus #1 in my life, I am. If everything else isn't making sense; if everything else cannot be controlled by me, the one thing I can control is where Christ is in my life, and when he's #1 he has promised to give me all that I need.


And I need a lot right now...so please pray for direction for me :)

Early morning ramble

I didn't really know how to express the way that I was feeling tonight, and so I decided that maybe I would just write it out. I feel so empty right now. I feel like I think I know how everything should play out in my life; everything that I want, and then in an instant it all falls apart. My entire life has been an ascent to the top of one mountain just to fall off the edge into a valley where I have to start over again onto another. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on; like I'm just playing a game and putting a mask on, making people think one thing about me but inside being so completely different. It's 12:32 a.m. and I have to be up at 6 a.m. for work. I'm listening to Michael Gungor...and just reflecting on my life. I feel like no matter how low I feel, I can always run to God who "wraps me in his arms". I have a God that who even though I am weak He is made strong. I feel like I could fall off he edge of the world but it wouldn't matter because no matter how bad it gets or how empty I can feel, God will catch me as I fall. He will be faithful to his end of the deal...always. I know he has an incredible plan for my life that complete exceeds every thought I have ever had regarding what will happen. He is going to do something in and through me that is beyond anything I could ever imagine. I refuse to settle for something that's less than prosperous, with a hope and a future according to Him.


Where I am weak, he is made strong, and therefor
I must become less, and He must become more.


It's the cry of my heart that my life glorify Your name.

We Win...

Lamentations 3:22-25 (NIV)

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

Lamentations...a book that was written by Jeremiah after the fall of Israel to the Babylonians...a book that, by name, would suggest having a miserable attitude when reading it. However God never writes books that way. He always shows that, no matter what's going on (even if it's our fault), that he will see us through and be faithful to his end of the deal. I've come to learn that in the times of my greatest struggles and greatest afflictions that God's story (which I am a part of) always comes out with God (and those on his side) winning...

"If you flip all the way to the back of the book...we win!"
-Israel Houghton

God gave us his word and has plainly suggested that he is authoring human history. He does give us choice, but in light of that choice, he orchestrates the greatest story ever to be told to mankind. God never lets go, he never goes back on a promise, he is never unfaithful, and he is always unfailing.

I have always gone through trials since becoming a Christian (and in fact it was a trial that drove me to my knees before the cross in the first place). Right now I am going through an assortment of huge trials, and sometimes I don't think I can do it on my own...and technically I'm right...I can't. Through this period of uncertainty in my life I have allowed Jesus to become by daily portion...my means by which I move and breath. Truly he has been faithful to me, by being provisional both practically and with the peace that passes all understanding.

I have had the privilege of waking up every morning saying "truly God's compassions are new every morning"...

He is faithful.

Watchman

Ezekiel 3
16 At the end of seven days the word of the LORD came to me: 17 "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. 18 When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 19 But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself...

Just recently I have had the privilege to take a course on the book of Ezekiel, and this week we touched on chapter 3 (the Watchman chapter) and I also did some homework for it to. I thought it was really incredible because Ezekiel is in the midst of a people who have completely rebelled against God. Israel had been saved out of Egypt, established in the Promised Land, and shown blessing for generations, but still they had a problem with following the LORD and were caught up in idolatrous practices. They would follow the rituals of the other pagan nations; they would involve themselves in pagan worship and only allow the LORD to be one of their gods. Yet the LORD calls Ezekiel to be a watchman to the people of Israel. In the days of fortified cities a watchman would sit on top of the wall and "watch" for enemies who were coming to kill the city. The watchman alone was responsible for the entire city's future and well being. If the watchman failed at his job, potentially the city could be destroyed. This imagery of a "watchman" is really cool to me because God calls Ezekiel to this same metaphorical task. He is to be a "watchman" to Israel in the sense that he is to deliver a lifesaving message to them. The reward for obedience here is not conditional based on whether the recipient of the message obeys, but rather, God promises that the messenger will live even if the hearer continues in his ways.

I find this intriguing because God calls followers of Jesus to the same task; to be a watchman for his people. We have an incredible message for the world and that message is that God loved the sinful world enough that he came and laid down his life as an atoning sacrifice for it.

God's done his part...now it's time for to do ours.

We are watchman. The entire city's salvation is based on whether we climb down the wall and warn the people of the coming destruction. We have a message of incredible love. Our job requires us to do it, or else we too will "die". Fortunately, even if our hearers don't obey, we still will have done the job we were instructed to do.

I am personally really struggling with this right now. Things like pride get in the way where I feel more scared to share the gospel because of my fear of rejection. This fear is very selfish in the fact that I'm more worried about my own feelings than I am about other people's lives. This is something I've been actively praying about and hopefully will start to turn it's course in the next couple of weeks. My goals have been to start speaking with people I'm closest to...my closest unsaved friends, co-workers, family, etc...I have an incredible message of love to share with them, and all I'm asked to do is share it, and then I get a "job well done"

That's all of our jobs. We are watchman...and there's an enemy in the distance...who's going to tell the people around us?

"Here am I, send me..."

First one...so I'll talk about...

Cars.

Yes, Cars.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately, well actually I've been sleeping through alot of movies lately...one of which was the Pixar film Cars. If you don't know the theme behind the movie I will try to summarize it for you. A really fast car named Lightning McQueen ties 2 other cars in the championship race and has to go to California to race in a tie-breaker. On the way he falls out of the back of his truck and gets lost in a town called Radiator Springs. Radiator Spring is unique because it lies on the old highway known as Route 66. For years the town flourished and had lots of cool unique shops and visitors were abundant. Sometime closer to the future, a major highway was built near Radiator Springs that bi-passed the entire town completely. Eventually people also began bi-passing the town, never giving it a look, and the town basically died; the only exception being a few faithful residents. Lightning McQueen finds his way into this town, ends up ripping up the road and is forced to fix it. Long story short, over the next week as he fixes the road he learns about how "life in the fast lane" isn't as great as he originally thought based on his new discovery of a different lifestyle. Out of this small town experience he receives a new mentor, a new best friend, and a new lover.

Why am I talking about Cars?

I can't help but put myself in this situation (not as a car, but a person...you know what I mean). The world is constantly telling me to fill my schedule, be productive, do this, do that...do everything that you can to attain happiness in life. I feel like anymore lifestyles like that will do anything but bring fulfillment. I feel like as people we have forgotten about small things in life that used to matter. We don't care about investing time in our families; we don't care about investing time in good relationships; we don't even care about learning about our Creator that loves us...we couldn't care less because either (1) we don't want to know him or (2) we feel like we know enough about Him.

I've done this myself...

I feel like anymore all I want is what God has promised to give to me, and I want it by Him and in His timing. I don't need to live up to people's expectations or what people think will give me a fulfilling life. God has promised his people great things and unless we can learn to put him first and actually make him our "God" then we're never going to experience it. This means I have to let go of pride, I have to let go of "me" altogether. I need to let God be in control. Living a life that everybody else has or desires will do nothing but by-pass me by some of the most incredible things God has created on this planet for me to experience.


Jesus said, "Seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."

I'm slowing down to get what has been promised to me.